Each week I bring you the top stories in the auto industry along with my commentary or sometimes amusing thoughts about the craziness that goes on in the world of cars.
Stories you’ll find today:
Mirror, Mascara, and Absolutely No Situational Awareness.
Sex Toys Lead Police to a Used Car Lot. Los Angeles police recovered more than $500,000 worth of stolen merchandise after a European adult toy company decided to buy some of its own stolen products online and track where they were being shipped. The address reportedly led investigators straight to a used car lot, where authorities say they uncovered a massive stash of stolen goods that included everything from DeWalt tools and Acer computers to Nike jeans and Yeti mugs. Investigators say the raid was tied to a larger cargo theft operation, and one suspect was arrested on suspicion of receiving stolen property. The truly amazing part is that the alleged operation apparently moved stolen merchandise through the same location where it was being stored, which is either incredibly bold or unbelievably lazy. The takeaway is simple: criminals can get away with a lot, but eventually somebody starts asking questions when the discount adult toys come with suspiciously convenient shipping information. And honestly, if your criminal enterprise gets taken down by a sex toy company making a purchase online, that’s probably the universe telling you it’s time to rethink your business model.
Over My Dead Body… Literally. Cadillac’s electric Lyriq is now being turned into a hearse, which means the EV revolution has officially reached the point where even your final ride comes with a battery pack. Coachbuilders are stretching and modifying the Lyriq into a fully electric funeral vehicle, proving there is apparently no corner of the auto industry safe from electrification anymore. And honestly, the thing might actually be perfect for the job. It’s quiet, smooth, expensive-looking, and nobody inside is worried about charging infrastructure. Funeral homes also love the idea because hearses typically drive short, predictable routes, which means this may be the first EV application completely free of range anxiety. Still, there’s something darkly hilarious about a silent electric hearse gliding through a cemetery while somebody in the crowd whispers, “Should’ve gotten the extended battery.” The takeaway is simple: automakers are serious about EV adoption, and they are clearly not taking “over my dead body” as an objection anymore. Because now, apparently, that’s just another target demographic.
When State Pride Comes With Extra Cheese. Connecticut has officially embraced its pizza obsession by rolling out a “Pizza State” license plate featuring a slice of pepperoni pizza, because apparently regular state pride just wasn’t flavorful enough anymore. The specialty plate celebrates Connecticut’s ongoing campaign to declare itself the pizza capital of America, a claim that immediately starts arguments everywhere from New York to Chicago the moment it’s mentioned. Drivers can now pay extra for the plate, with part of the proceeds supporting food assistance programs, which at least gives the whole thing a better excuse than simply yelling “our pizza is better” through government-issued metal. The plate has already proven popular, because of course it has—this is Connecticut, where pizza isn’t just food, it’s basically a personality trait. The takeaway is simple: Americans will turn absolutely anything into a specialty license plate if given enough time and a DMV form. And honestly, if Connecticut is going to lean this hard into pizza culture, the next logical step is probably arguing over which town gets to issue the official marinara-scented registration sticker.
All That Horsepower, No Gas Money. A Houston driver involved in a parking lot takeover learned the hard way that doing donuts and running from police requires one very important thing—a full tank of gas. Deputies say the driver of a red Dodge Charger was part of a gathering involving more than 100 vehicles near Greenspoint when officers spotted him spinning donuts and tried to pull him over. Instead of stopping, he allegedly took off, leading deputies on a chase that topped 100 mph across several miles of Houston freeway before the whole thing came to a very predictable ending: the Charger ran out of gas in a Popeyes parking lot. The driver then tried the always-successful backup plan of running away on foot, but deputies caught him shortly afterward and took him into custody. Authorities seized the Charger, and officials say it could now face asset forfeiture. The takeaway is simple: if you’re going to make terrible decisions at least make sure the fuel gauge isn’t also judging you, because there’s nothing quite as embarrassing as surviving a 100 mph police chase only to be defeated by basic math and an empty tank.
Mirror, Mascara, and Absolutely No Situational Awareness. A Florida woman managed to take distracted driving to an entirely new level after police say she was so focused on applying makeup behind the wheel that she failed to notice a marked patrol car right next to her. According to authorities, officers watched her repeatedly looking into a mirror and handling makeup products while driving, apparently completely unaware that law enforcement was pacing her the entire time. The situation reportedly continued long enough for deputies to observe multiple traffic violations before finally pulling her over, at which point she seemed genuinely surprised to discover the police had been there all along. The takeaway is simple: if you’re doing your makeup while driving, maybe every now and then glance up long enough to confirm you haven’t accidentally turned your commute into a live demonstration for distracted-driving awareness. Because there’s multitasking, and then there’s missing an actual police car sitting beside you while working on eyeliner.